Friday, January 21, 2005
i'm looking for someone who will light candles,
not just curse the darkness.
Sadness filled my heart when I woke up this morning, finding no souls at home except my cats and myself. I walked down to the road, and was reminded by the times when Kelun still lives next block my house. The time when Zhen Wei, Qi Jun, Jon and me will gather and play together at his house. But now, the house has become unfamiliar to me. He had moved away, to another place which is not within my reach. But he isn't forgotten in my memory, he still stands a place in my heart; my childhood memories.
I miss my parents, almost every public holidays. They didn't have high education, therefore; they have to slog. Slog to maintain the family and to raise me up. They secured themselves a job that doesn't allow them to rest on every Sunday but on alternates. My dad's off day fluctuates between Saturday and Sunday, and have to work almost every public holidays. My mum's off day fluctuates in a week. Sometimes it clashed with the day that I have to stay in school all the way up to evening. All this, contributes to the factor of why our communication become much less than before, if not, we get very tense when we touch on certain topics.
After my sister married, I was left with no companion at home. I remembered the earlier stage in my secondary life where I detest going home. Because no one's at home and I've turned rebellious YET MY PARENTS DON'T KNOW.
I've always yearn to have a close knitted family who is always available to hear my rantings, provide me shoulders to cry on and to share my happiness with. Ever since my 14th birthday, no one has treated it seriously; everyone work and no celebration was initiated for me. Each time I hear people saying they going shopping with their parents or family, I envy. Because my parents are always busy with work, leaving me with no attention and my sister contacting us when she needs help. They never hope in me or for me, they judged by what was is superficial to them and condemn me from there. Sometimes, I'm hurt, but I didn't show it. But it leaves my heart to cry.
But recently, or rather, the last three months, I saw progression. When I held the result slip on my left hand and another holding the phone, I heard the voice of happiness in my dad's speech. I heard my sister's shockness when I told her, and all this stirs a kind of happiness in my heart. The dinner we had together, in collaberate of my result and my dad's birthday was one of the happiest dinner I had. We mentioned of every trivial things, especially my future.
Now that I'm turning seventeen soon, I'm really hoping for a good celebration with my family. Even a simple meal at home will do. As long as the whole family's with me, I'm contented. Because I haven't experience that for the last three years.
Sometimes, I think life is sad. To know that some people living in another part of world is being tortured, I feel the pain in His heart. I heard of a woman who is aged 64, just gave birth. Now, that disgusted me a lot. How is her child going to answer to his/her friend when they asked about his/her Mother? Dumb woman.
I'm looking forward to next weekend. Jason and Madaleine had managed to book a chalet! :D But before I go wild during the weekend, I've a week of re-tests lined up in front of me. School's ending almost 6pm everyday, for the entire week. ): Oh, I'm receiving my F&N task next Thursday. -jitters- I love to do coursework. Though they bring lack-of-sleep, stress and competition, I still love them. Because they, too, brings joy and happiness to me. (:
maoed.]
at 11:28 PM
